One way I have decided to honor who I was before – the child that set the foundation for myself as I am now, that survived the past so that I could exist here in the present – is to share the thoughts I have collected via pen and paper, and via computer. I have been exploring my past mental states, thoughts, and emotions through the journals I was intent on never throwing out, and what I have found is…. wisdom.
Sometimes, I think I may have been wiser when I was young and the world hadn’t yet access enough to me to replace my curiosity and creativity with fear.
Below are only a few of the many writings I have found stored in my closet over the years. These are ones I found in a folder filled with personal spiritual information, information about magick and energy work, and bits of thoughts I’d written down here and there.
le 22 janvier-2013
I’m tired as hell, but no matter.
I have slowly begun to realize that the reason or cause or perhaps symptom of my impatience when it comes to some necessary ritual or action is two-fold:
(1) I simply lack self-discipline. Period.
(2) There is a mindset which I have discovered. A habit or something of that nature, mentally. I do not like space, empty space, and more pointedly I think, space I haven’t made my own. I will seek to move within an open space, such as an open room, in order to fill it up with my presence.
Which is fine.
The problem is the defining “container” which holds the space I seek to fill. If I, that is, my body and the place in space it fills, is itself the container, then I become complacent, passive, sleepy, uninterested. Because I am already filled with myself. But if I become aware of myself, especially as an entity within a larger space, over even aware of my body, the limits of my aforementioned “self-space”, then I become agitated, and wish to move and fill the space, the “container” surrounding me, which I am suddenly aware of.
le 15 avril-2013
After all of my musings on what is possible in reality, in order to answer the question: what should I believe, I have found myself back at the question of “what do I believe?”
What beliefs am I trying to confirm or negate in this never-ending intellectual quest: it is a question I find myself wholly unable to answer.
I can’t explain it, why I cannot classify a man I see while meditating as real or not. Perhaps he is neither real nor an illusion. What if I saw [name redacted] in a meditation, a person I knew was real? What if, in a dream?
Perhaps what I am trying to do is classify that which is not physically tangible as illusion. But as can be seen by my struggle, I don’t believe that.
Perhaps what I see in meditation or dream is an unadulterated form of the reality which I perceive, without the external stimuli which impress it while I am awake or fully conscious.
le 18 mai-2013
I believe now that everything – especially abstract concepts like ‘deity’ or ‘purpose’ – that a human being experiences it constructs. Humans of course did not create the laws of nature (i.e. gravity), nor did we create trees or birds or air or the ocean.
But we did define them. We did seek to understand them, to see our place in the world. We create concepts like ‘social’ and ‘political’ structures, and we created and continue to create ideologies, religions, and theories. We debate, we go to war, we struggle with one another as well as the reality we’ve constructed around ourselves.
All that has been accepted as reality for the human society is the result of an ancient and enduring dialogue within this vast community. Norms, rules, institutions are created.
Path dependency ensues.
Once questioned, critical juncture.
New norms are created by the human society.
Path dependency ensues.
We follow this cycle constantly, and sometimes revert back to old patterns out of complaisance, or necessity, or fear.
But we create our reality.
The “Creator” figure, one may find, in almost any religious pantheon is not an abstract authority set apart from the human community and its constant dialogue. It is a metaphor the creative nature of the community itself, the discussion about the reality we experience and the moral truths we seek through the arts, through politics and religion, through sex and war, intimacy and cultural alienation; that conversation which transcends the bonds of individual death.
Spirit = consciousness.
(…Self-Care is to Divine Worship.)
Feature Image is the original work of CLouiseWilliams.
Watercolor Painting, entitled “The Ascension”